Start with Strengths

By Dr. Jennifer Bashant

As parents, we all want the best for our children. We want our children to be happy, well-adjusted and successful. However, when these good wishes for our children are broken down into our day-to-day interactions with our children, what we see is a primary focus on that which needs to be improved. If your child struggles in math, then you, as the parent, probably spend extra time practicing math in order to develop that skill. There is nothing wrong with this, but what tends to happen is that we ONLY focus on things that need improvement, and we forget to spend time on their strengths. When we only focus on things that are hard, it can hurt self-esteem, decrease motivation and negatively impact your relationship with your child.

Children thrive when they understand the many ways in which they are strong and smart. Strengths are innate. They lie underneath preferences and desires, and do not change throughout one’s lifetime. The subjects studied in school are only a small representation of the possible areas of strength your child may have.

In order to give you a wider perspective of possible areas of strength, I want to share with you Dr. Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences. Gardner, a researcher from Harvard University, put forth his theory in 1983, which suggests that the traditional notion of intelligence (I.Q.) was limited. He says that people develop different levels of intelligence in the following eight areas:

  • Linguistic-verbal – spoken and written words

  • Logical-mathematical (reasoning and problem-solving)

  • Visual-spatial (seeing and imagining)

  • Bodily-kinesthetic (body, movement)

  • Musical-rhythmic (sound and patterning)

  • Interpersonal (interaction with others)

  • Intrapersonal (feelings, values, attitudes)

  • Naturalist (classifications, categories, and hierarchies)

In order for children to thrive, they must be aware of their own individual strengths, and be able to communicate them to others. As you read through Gardner’s eight intelligences, what stood out as you thought about your child? I have always been a huge proponent of the strengths-perspective when working with children, in my personal and professional life. A child’s strengths are the key to a passionate, happy, fulfilled life. According to Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein, strengths allow us to help our children develop “islands of competence,” which leads to strength, hope and optimism.

So, here are some ways you can set the stage for your child’s self-discovery of her strengths:

  1. Stimulate imagination through child-directed creative play

  2. Create meaningful memories by establishing family traditions and rituals

  3. Model an optimistic view of life

In addition building a solid foundation for discovering strengths, here are four steps you can take to help your child develop the skills and learn the process of discovering and using her strengths:

  1. For a younger child, record your observations about her preferences, tendencies, activities she enjoys, personality traits and choices she makes. What causes her to express joy and happiness? Over time, you will be able to look for patterns and themes that will shed some light on her particular strengths.

  2. Practice quieting the mind – teach your child how to meditate. Specifically, mindful breathing and doing a body scan can be very helpful. The goal is for her to focus on what she is doing and how it makes her feel. This will help her discover what activities “light her up” and make her excited.

  3. Self-reflection – what are the things she does regularly that make her feel strong? It is important for your child to make a habit of thinking back through things she has done to discover what she loves.

  4. Dialogue and Conversation – by asking specific questions about what aspects of a particular chore or task your child “enjoyed,” you are helping to develop her skill of looking for strengths. Through conversation, you can lead her through the self-reflective thought process and help her to discover her strengths. This skill will be transferred to all areas of her life as she solidifies the habit of looking for her strengths rather than her weaknesses.

The more time your child spends engaged in the process of self-reflection guided by a parent asking questions, the more she trains her mind to think creatively and to explore new concepts and ideas rather than being defensive and argumentative. When your child is aware of and values her strengths, it will have many positive effects on her life – she will learn to be more proactive when faced with challenges, she will be more adept at choosing friends who are a positive influence, she will choose jobs that are more fulfilling and she will make decisions that align with the essence of who she is.